Last time we reviewed how intimate relationships form and how in the glow of a new relationship habits can form that inhibit the development of good boundaries and effective communication. This time we will look at how to develop good boundaries.
Developing good boundaries in an intimate relationship requires being able to stand apart from ourselves and the relationship and see the big picture. We used to call this process. developing the observing ego. This means developing the part of ourselves that isn’t entangled in all of the projection and introjection that we do to protect ourselves from psychic injury. To strength the observing ego means:
1) To see what is really happening,
2) Deciding if we need more information,
3) If the answer is “yes” to number 2 then forming a way of requesting that information in a way that shows compassion and respect for ourselves and the other person.
To see what is really happening, free from our defenses requires good self- awareness. There are many ways to strengthen self -awareness including meditation and yoga. There are many books that help with this including “Loving What Is” by Byron Katie. Essentially it requires that we stop and ask ourselves what is going on here, not only within me but between us. We try and sort out the facts from the feelings because sometimes our feelings are a result of a misunderstanding of the facts. If after we get clear on the facts we still feel confused or have a feeling of dissonance we need to formulate questions so that we can get clarification of the facts. Dissonance manifests as discomfort and reflects a conflict within.
Asking the other person questions or making requests like: “Please define what you mean by using that word” and “What I hear you saying is….. Is that accurate?” helps us get clarification so that we can assess if we are reacting to what is actually happening or if we are reacting to something going on within us, our perception of what is going on may be filtered through earlier psychic injuries and be distorted.
Next time we will discuss the importance of using productive communication skills and how to develop those skills.
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