How to Recognize a Toxic Relationship

April 12, 2014 by

A healthy relationship is made of trust, intimacy, love, mutual respect, good communication, and honesty. There are many other factors involved, but we can say that these are the most basic. However, we also know that relationships are difficult and require effort from both partners to grow. How can we distinguish a healthy relationship with “normal” issues from a relationship that is toxic and draining? And when do your partner’s actions cross over from unhealthy to downright abusive? Here are some signs that tell you it’s time to re-evaluate:

Passive- aggressive communication:

Many times this happens in our relationships and we never even notice the toxic dynamic we are creating. Being passive-aggressive is expecting someone to meet your needs and/or wants, but choosing not to communicate clearly what they are. For example, this can be as subtle as a partner who ignores you or gives you the “silent treatment” if you didn’t do something they wanted you to do. In a healthy relationship, both partners would be able to openly express and listen to each other’s needs, wants, and feelings.

Manipulation:

Manipulation is when someone gets what they want by making another feel guilty or twisting the truth to make things in their favor. Manipulators often blame others or external things for their problems. This characteristic can be very emotionally damaging and it should be an immediate warning sign that things are not right.

Jealousy:

Everybody experiences jealousy at some point in their life. However, it becomes toxic when we mistake jealousy for love. It is not love and instead represents possessiveness and insecurity. If your partner prefers that you spend all of your time together because they “love you so much”… take note of this possessive behavior. If you feel that you have to explain or defend your whereabouts and friendships it is probably a toxic relationship. If you feel that your time is not yours it is probably a toxic relationship. In a healthy relationship both partners feel free to be individuals with their own lives and their own interests.

Unrealistic expectations:

If your partner has unrealistic expectations of you, they probably expect you to be “perfect” in some way. For example, they may expect you to be the perfect spouse, parent, family member, etc.  Nobody is perfect and nobody is responsible for meeting someone’s every need. If you often find yourself overwhelmed with trying to meet all of your partner’s needs and expectations…it may be time to re-evaluate.

Criticism:

Constructive criticism involves someone offering suggestions for improvement while keeping the conversation open for the others input. However, criticism stops being constructive when someone imposes their own beliefs on someone and insists that “they know best.” Be especially careful of partners who criticize your ability to make your own decisions or your appearance. This can become abusive if it involves insults or name calling.

Withholding affection:

Withholding affection is a type of manipulation and can really hurt. In a healthy relationship, both partners can discuss how they prefer affection to be shown. In a toxic relationship, your partner may say or do things, such as withholding affection, to make you feel you are undeserving of their love.

Physical abuse:

Any kind of physical aggression such as pushing, grabbing, punching, kicking, constraining, or unwanted use of force during sex is physical abuse. Many times the offender may minimize what has happened and say “it wasn’t that hard,” or “I was just horsing around.” Take these incidents seriously and take the steps necessary to remain safe. Also make a note of any physically intimidating or threatening behaviors such as breaking things which make you feel scared or unsafe. No one should ever feel afraid or intimidated by their partner.

The lines between healthy, unhealthy, toxic, and abusive sometimes get blurred. Above all, trust your intuition about your safety and autonomy in the relationship. Talk to your support system and ask for help when you are unsure of how to proceed.

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Filed Under: Couples Connection
About Gissa Infante, LCSW

Gissa is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in the state of Florida. She received her Master’s degree in Social Work and Bachelor’s in Psychology from Florida Gulf Coast University.

“In providing therapeutic services my approach is both humanistic and empowerment-based. I believe all of us have the capacity to create positive changes in our lives if we are willing to look within to find our own strengths and put them into practice. Offering a safe space for self exploration and healing has allowed me to witness great personal transformations for both individuals and families. By reconnecting mind, body, and spirit we can increase our self-awareness and make lasting changes.

I have worked with adults, young adults, and families in individual and group counseling. I specialize in empowering victims of trauma and violence, as well as assisting with anxiety, adjustment to life transitions, grief/loss, self-esteem, relationship issues, career and financial empowerment, stress, and parenting. I have specialized training in Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing (EMDR); an evidence-based practice that has been proven as one of the most effective treatments of trauma.”
Gissa also brings her bilingual skills to the practice and offers counseling in Spanish or English, as well as hardship evaluations for immigration cases.
Education:
Bachelor’s Degree in Psychology from Florida Gulf Coast University in 2008
Master’s Degree in Social Work from Florida Gulf Coast University in 2011
Experience includes:
Sexual assault response, advocacy and counseling
Domestic violence response, advocacy and counseling
Crisis Intervention
Life Skills Training
Several years experience working with culturally diverse populations, at-risk families, and homeless families
Counseling focused on adjustment, grief, trauma, relationships, self-esteem, parenting, stress
Crisis intervention and sexual assault response
EMDR
Consejeria en Espanol (Counseling in Spanish)
Professional Qualifications and Associations:
Clinical Social Work Intern (LCSW) through the State of Florida Department of Health
NASW (National Association of Social Workers) member and SWFL chapter Secretary